So back in December, after graduation, I started this blog thinking of what a wonderful outlet this would be to both express my current thought process and later have a written testimony of God's faithfulness in my first year as a new nurse. BUT! If you are reading this I should say I have left this blog wordless in the New Year due to the fear of sharing my true heart and feelings at the moment. If I am truly being honest or "black and white" as I like to put it, circumstances have been tough! And guess what? Graduation or "being a nurse" has made nothing perfect!!! Over the past year, I have stood in the face of many challenges whether it has been my school, finances, or my marriage. In the weeks that have recently passed, I have seen many of these things coming to a head (as cliche as that sounds) but in all of that and the many tears (and I mean many!!!) I have so gracefully heard my Lord's voice asking me, "Do you trust Me Karen with that which you love most?" At first, I replied, "Yes Lord! How could I have not, I been so good (hahaha)!" But yet again, His gentle voice guiding me. "Do you trust Me with him?" Now let me tell you, answering this question was by far much harder than the first! Throughout my education and whatever else that I have felt makes me "so accomplished" (realizing now that ONLY JESUS has accomplished it for me) I have somewhat prided myself on being oh so smart and in control hahahaha! But truly! I have come to a fork in the road where there is no possible or even imaginable way that I could even remotely be in control.
For those of you reading this that already know me, I don't need to explain to you what my marriage means to me or how much I have loved my husband. BUT! If I am being truthful and raw with all of you, my marriage needs help! Can I help it? Absolutely not! In fact, if there is one thing I can be thankful and peaceful about right now it is that I still have Jesus and I know He can!
I am trusting Him with him! Allowing God daily to be the Author, Finisher, and Perfecter of my faith to do so! In church today, my pastor talked about the image of me (the believer) being a jar of clay and God the potter. Spinning and shaping who I am. Now here is the funny thing! I have most certainly heard this before but never have I longed for it the way I am now! I was thinking, "Yes Jesus! Mold and shape me in whatever way you see fit!" For the first time, I didn't care if that molding was Karen the wife, Karen the daughter, Karen the nurse, or whatever other title I may have! I just want to be fully in Him and Him be mine!
I need You Jesus and You only! I don't have to tell You all my needs because You know them! I don't need to control or tell You how to fix the situation because You (and You alone) have gone before me and it is a finished work at the cross! You are capable of restoring my marriage because you ordained it! You alone can shape and mold my husband because You created him! If there is anything we need, it is not each other but you FIRST so that we may be an earthly reflection of your love and relationship with us. I pray and thank You Lord that You are perfectly faithful in loving me and guiding my path even when my human nature fails me to be fearful and worrisome. Simply put...I love You because You first loved me! What could be more beautiful?
Ohhhhh and thank You Lord that You have created some of us to be musically gifted :)
http://youtu.be/yLr6G8Xy5uc
P.S. I am taking my boards for nursing Feb 6th! Please keep me close in prayer along with all else that I have shared! XOXOXO
